i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
