Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
