Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize