my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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