I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
