not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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