This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
