I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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