I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
No subtext here. People are naked.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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