apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
