my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
