My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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