When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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