Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
