Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
