I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We don't watch enough power rangers
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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