I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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