I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
