just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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