the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
