Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
vagina is talking i cant
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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