So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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