i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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