Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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