made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
