god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
