Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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