I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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