Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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