My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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