If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
