She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Is Oprah even human
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
