is your mom at the bar?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
