So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
