yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
