from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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