I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
