happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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