Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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