I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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