Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
