I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
