GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
