you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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