I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
