I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
sex in a hospital.. check
Randomize
