There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
bring money and cleavage
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
