It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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