I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
im about as happy as oj after his trial
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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