You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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