Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
