i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
