Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
