Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
