I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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