Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
