I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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