Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize