Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
